No words

Connecticut is thousands and thousands of miles away from our little town, but yesterday, and in the wee hours of this morning, it feels like it's here.

Kindergarten...that word I think is one of the hardest parts of yesterday for me. All of the little ones that begun their first year of school, sitting in tiny little chairs and little gnome size desks. Little people so curious, so excited to learn, so...young. 

When I hear that "word" and it be associated with the pure evil and horror that took place, I imagine so clearly in my mind Owen and his kindergarten classroom. I go there every single time. After dropping him off nearly every morning for the last five months, I've memorized every child's face, every nook, piece of artwork, the school calendar, hooks to hang backpacks and jackets, little chairs and tables, teacher's desk, bookcase, names on the wall...I could easily replicate that room and I can't imagine someone going in there and destroying that perfect little sanctuary.

My sister-in-law texted me yesterday and it was just as raw for her as it was for me. I think it's this badge of parenthood where your emotions are just so much more raw and real and you feel E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. You smile when they smile, you cry when they cry, you hurt when they hurt, your every joy and sorrow are wrapped up in the tiny little person you've created.

It's all a bit too much for this mama to stomach right now and unfortunately I can't turn my mind or heart off. Although, I think I need this one to sink in more than other tragedies...I want this one to remind me, every second of everyday, of the two miracles I have that are blissfully snoozing in their beds right now. I want it to remind me to have patience when they spill food on the table, or when they are rambunctious and wrestle rather than sitting quietly. I need it to remind me that life is so precious and in an instant EVERYTHING can change. I want it to remind me to slow down and hug them longer, shower them with more kisses...because a parent just lost that privilege yesterday.

It's now 5:30am and my littles should be waking up in just a few minutes...yes, they wake up that early every morning and today I feel so blessed to be able to welcome them into this new day. Sending love and prayers to all the mamas out there!